Fluid Dimensions

Ho Ho Ho all day

2005-12-14T19:21:00.000-05:00

What started out to be a shopping expedition to wrap up the presents for Christmas ended up hilarious. -my daughter got a new pair of pants and top, I took my truck in for those long overdue repairs and I ended up buying non related items for my computer like a webcam, business card dvd/paper. Oh yes, I will be sporting a new black sweater which I have wanted to ages and finally broke down and bought it. Not to mention the wonderful fun fur I bought at Michael's craft store to make some funky scarves. Hmm, LCBO took care of 3 people on my list including myself....hiccup, lol.

I really didn't need to eat that double cheeseburger and fries at harvey's. I got really annoyed when the woman started sweeping around my food and mentioned it to her. She didn't stop there, then she proceeded to mop the floor. The floor was wet in the store and anyone could have easily slipped and hit their head on the free re-fill stand of pop. HAHA

My son should have received his ho ho ho package today that is if he isn't vacationing in some other part of the country, lol.

My truck repairs inclusive of all the parts etc was a couple of brown ones, but guess what I can open the driver's door now, yippee. And that pleases me greatly. The digital tire pump kit I bought yesterday at oh my gosh only $19.99plus tax -50% off lucky me came in handy this morning because I had a major flat with only 2 lbs of air. How do I know that? Well, in this kit came a digital air reader-nifty. My father had taken the whole headlight off trying to re-assemble it with the new one I had to buy yesterday because the Halogen burned out...as I stood there not being able to fill my flat with my nifty new kit because the battery wasn't connected to the truck. I had only 20 minutes until my appt at the garage and I had to get there no matter what -as he was finishing up at the very last second I started to fill the tire-wow, 6 minutes I had 35lbs. Awesome kit, everyone should have one.

Taking this scenario 1 day back, had I cheesed out and not gotten the kit, the tow truck today out of the city would have been umm, perhaps thrice as much.

The tip of the day is-vaseline around the inside of the door prevents any freezing. Egads and I bought some de icer spray ...oh well..everything is good.

Ho ho ho all day. And so ends another day but alas I accomplished much, even ordered books from chapters -they were cheaper on line because in the store today the cost was $11.00 more. All in all it was a productive day, so I thought, and that's all that matters anyways.

Good bye yellow brick road to Nowhere.

2005-12-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

To whom It may concern,
I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to work for your company - and God did I work-not only did I do more than my share of the work load but things that are not even in my job description.
I not only DID NOT receive appropriate training but I surely am grateful for all the errors you have pointed out to me that were made because of my lack of appropriate training. Trial and error at my expense and embarrassment.

I want to thank you for putting your customers' needs ahead of mine even though you knew that there are well known complainers and down right bitchy people coming into the store. Even though I am an open, public target for anyone and my back faces the entrance door with the gust of freezing winter air- I know you do not want me to intentionally get sick or accidently shot in the back by some irate customer trying to steal your products.

The skills that I have learned by working for your company will be etched in my memory for a lifetime, and I can contribute some of my insomnia to the survival skills I have had to learn not from the public but within the company's policy.

I want to thank you for taking advantage of my compassionate, helpful and pleasant personality to increase your profits and to create an upheaval in my life by calling me in to cover shifts because you are always short staffed.

When my live in partner died and I needed time off to adjust to the trauma of the death and radical change in lifestyle I do recall the callousness and downright indifference to my situation. In fact, if it wasn't for the mean spirited attitude I would have never toughened up the way I did, and so fast. However, when another employee's dog died your were more than willing to give that person the day off with sympathy and you wondered why I didn't even flinch at the news.

I certainly am a valuable employee, I am skilled, trained and good at what I do -the job you hired me for. Regretfully, I must resign because I have accepted a position that is in keeping with my personality and life training.

I hope you consider me to work with your company in the future, should the opportunity arise but for now, my personal well being is more important.

My last day of employment with your company will be New Years Eve because it's as good a time as any to have closure and to toast your company's success in 2006 without me.

In kindred spirit (NOT)
jg

I don't recall changing my username

2005-12-13T12:52:00.000-05:00

Needless to say, I was infuriated when I couldn't access the dashboard to post my entry. I spent 20 minutes troubleshooting what the freaking problem was and why my username wasn't recognized. I became so focused on correcting the problem that now I can't remember what I wanted to say.

Happy flying J.Z.- nice day to do that.

Revenge of the nuts and chocolate

2005-12-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

No doubt I have either poisoned myself with too much of something as in nuts and chocolate, coupled with the stress..........what stress you ask, let's just say the stress package all rolled into one.

My abdomen is severely sore right now, as I prepare to go and work my shift in the hell of retail. I crave red and green foodstuff, everything is yellow or white around here including my bowels. This is alarming me because if it doesn't change by tomorrow morning I am afraid I will have to seek medical attention.

My feeling is that I need certain colour groupings of food I am lacking-pretty sure that will work, perhaps even red wine would help but I will focus on other things too. ta ta for now.

Vesele Bozicne Praznike

2005-12-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

Upam da vse imate Vesele Bozicne praznike ter Srecno Novo Leto 2006.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The Christmas card

2005-12-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

What a lovely card I got from my son yesterday as I headed to work, you guessed it I was driving there holding the tears back, and every freaking song on the radio made me feel worse. I searched the channels to find some happy music to uplift me and there was none at that time. So I turned off the radio and began to scream as I was driving -good thing the windows were shut, lol. It was not an insane scream, just a real loud HO HO HO Merry Christmas, HA HA HA.

When I got to work, my eye makeup was smeared from the tears so I had to go into the washroom and re-apply. None of the people would have noticed anyways........it was a zoo in there from the sale.

I know my daughter will feel the emptiness this Christmas. She will not connect with her brother or father. It'll be harder on her, and now that Jim is no longer there to comfort her-that just leaves me and I certainly cannot fill my son's, her father's shoes.

I suppose I should have written this entry before the last one, but then again, I didn't.
I need to write some cards today and get them in the mail. I didn't expect the card from John and his wife but it's nice that the thought was there.

This public diary of sorts, the blogging trend, is good therapy for everyone to get "it out of your heart" but remember to keep your innermost feelings to yourself because if you don't, there will be nothing private, hence why is there a privacy act, anyways??

Too many deluxe nuts and the dam cold.

2005-12-09T14:20:00.000-05:00

I must have eaten 400 grams of salted cashew, honey roasted almonds and mixed nuts last night. Not to mention the high caloric intake but this morning the ol' stomach was pretty upset to the point that I made a mad dash to the washroom. I woke up with what seemed like a swollen tongue, not sure if it was because I had too much salt or because I am lacking some vitamin(which I suspect). Right now I feel dizzy and cold (the heat is below bearable) and it could be that I may have contracted a virus from the hundreds of people I served yesterday. Usually healthy people don't venture into a drug store...lol. I did have a good sleep last night for a change and I think I may have passed out from an overdose of NUTS. I mailed my son's Christmas card yesterday and completely forgot to write in it what I was thinking to write, jeeze......I was rushing to get it in the mailbox so that he would get it in time which doesn't make any sense because the small package will take longer. I planned to make it known I was moving on in the New Year and got caught up in my inability to say "no" to a favor that my mgr needed me desperately to work boxing day and the following day so she could spend time with her husbands family. That is fine and dandy.....whatever..it's busy enough so that no one has time to talk anyways on the shift. THIS IS A COMPLAINT. One thing I do not understand about the heat control in this house. The settings are pretty much freezing, my hands are ice cold as I type this. I go into the garage to have a smoke, put on my winter coat and sit in below zero temperature. At work, my back is to the entrance door which blows in gusts of cold air everytime a customers comes in and I am ringing someone up at the register. I go into the truck and freeze waiting for it to warm up and even if I am not actually sitting in the truck and am in the garage (LOL) or house(LOL) I am still cold. I am having visions of laying on the beach or in the warm water on some island...can you blame me.

The policeman

2005-12-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, today I sewed a warm lining into my paper thin winter coat -why? because the winds blows throw it and besides I know how to sew, therefore there was NO reason not to do this. Today I kicked myself in the a** about many things.
On my way back from filling the tire with air as I have grown accustom to doing every 3-4 days, I got pulled over by a policeman. He asked me if I knew my front light was out and I said no, he told me to fix it or next time I'd get a ticket (it was dark). Then he asked me if I had anything to drink, and I started to laugh and said no sir- . I said no, because the answer was no. "He said my eyes were glassy looking" and I said that I am kinda crying on the inside. He asked if I was upset and I said no, just sad. To make a long story short, he said you need to fix the light and stay off the road when you are upset especially this time of year. And I said OK......I wasn't upset though!!

I got an unwanted comment to my last entry....an advertisement of sorts, a remedy for the toxins I was talking about. This is eerie, I know people read these blogs but I though I configured this blog so that comments could not be made-only people I know, which is like 3 people maybe hahahahahaha.

Music to heal my heart.

2005-12-06T23:11:00.000-05:00

After initially having the usually venom directed at me, I went and sat in the garage (which seems to be the only place I am with myself) and breathed deeply (the frozen air, haha) and refused to allow the energy to go in the direction that was waiting for it. If you understand what I just said, congratulations! you are getting to know me.

Music was my savior all day, I got lost in that dimension not only listening to the melody, and words but was thinking about how in synch the musicians were when they performed the songs. Some magical dimension! They tap into another level that is tranferred through their instruments, voices and songs.

The trigger today was not unlike all the other triggers, however today it seemed to have a tinge of hatred. I was in this room minding my own business, with my own thoughts, sort of balancing and meditating after having 3 days in retail serving customers from all walks of life. Some of those customers drained me by being confrontational and dam rude!

I was totally taken by surprise when I was blatantly accused of creating stress and that I was contributing to an unhappy environment. It all boils down to me making a stand and refusing to go along with the time when I wanted to eat. I feel that what was behind this was that I did not co-operate with the forward of monies that were demanded of me. I was disgusted.

I started to think about what it means to be in a festive mood and I am having difficulty mustering up any mood for that matter that is not defensive -it seems I am always in a defensive mood and a sort of fight or flight feeling. A survival mode -this is not healthy because it changes the chemistry in the body to produce toxins.

I just don't know what is wrong! I will never change it! I regret moving here and as I knew in my heart way back when-I was tricked into thinking it would be workable and at least respectful. I am a stranger here. They do not know me, or care to get to know me. All they focus on is all the things I have done wrong, all the misjudgements I made and I do not know what it is like to have a loving environment. I realize that I am partly to blame because I stopped allowing the pattern to continue.

It saddens me to think that when I was 16 1/2 and ventured off into the world, away from here that nothing changed except me. A wealth of experience behind me and I am forever grasping for one ounce of happiness by having to "fight". When I go with the flow and let things pass and don't take it in -I am challenged and blamed and the transfer of their unhappiness is projected onto me.

I had thought that when they went grocery shopping, that buying me some yoghurt which she knows I like to eat, would not have been so hard. Was it that hard to pick up the carton of yoghurt for $2.99 for me. The answer I got was "vee didn't know you vanted it". For God's sake, what happened to consideration and yet when I pick things up at the store for them-that ok, it's not a big deal, I am suppose to because we are a family. Well, sorry that is bull sh*t, why is it only one way. F**k it! I am pissed off, and I am thinking of that 16 1/2 year old today-she was right when she left.

I was shown a very nice Christmas card that would be sent to my cousin. This really bugged me for some reason, I guess because she took the time and energy to go to the store and buy it but could not pick up the yoghurt while standing in front of it. That would have meant she actually gave me some thought. Right now I feel nothing but emptiness and the emotional coldness within me will not warm up. I accept the fact that I have never, will ever be anything more than a venue for money for them.

The immense responsibilities I had as a child denied me much. On top of that in my late teens came the responsibility of being a wife and mother and full time employee, home owner all at once. Too much, way too much. Now that my children are adults and following their owns paths I am supposedly free, but no -I am straddled with the dynamics that go on here day and day out.

I am very close to packing it in, as it just leaving. I would survive-I have before. This is what is happening, the circumstances are preparing me, when it doesn't work anymore and you can't fix it-move on. I visualize doing some outrageously radical and feel absolutely no guilt thinking that.

Something has to change- I NEED A CHANGE in environment soon because if I don't I certainly will not be able to tame the beast within. Time to go, it's time to go. I did not find myself here, I lost myself even more. Some fr**king healing process this was-!!

Realizations

2005-12-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

I came home today after doing a shift in retail, the typical Monday for everyone else in the store but for me it was my 3rd shift in a row of serving customers. I must admit that I was tired and not in a festive mood. I really didn't care about what they wanted or needed to get because I was just burned out.

After I came home I was hit up for money which didn't really anger me much anymore, but it hurt my feelings to think that I was being used just for that, nevermind about how I feel, or about my life and other things. As I had a cigarette, in the freezing garage the familiar voice came through-you must move or your life is over. It was terrible feeling of "God is this all there is, have I come to the end, I am not that old to be feeling that way".
I pondered some more and knew the only way to make change was to start with something, anything. I fantasized about going to an apartment building and getting a place, and finally getting the Maitland contents and putting them into my apartment and having a completely new life-how I long for that. But I was afraid for some reason, is it because I have had so many hard knocks in life that I have become overly cautious or have I just plain given up. I thought about going to visit my son and I knew that I would be running away and not dealing with what I should be doing.
This feeling is overwhelming me and the fact that I am totally dissatisfied at my job is putting me in a "rut" feeling again. It seems it is one rut after another and I seriously wonder why the f**k I am so stuck that I am afraid of my shadow. I felt a miracle happen about 3 weeks ago, I felt hope again and now I have had the energy sucked out of me so bad, I can't see the hope over the horizon. The home situation here is filled with negativity, and much anger is displayed, and I am in the midst of a lifestyle which is not my own.

God I envy my son who did what I used to do -"just do it".

The deletion was long overdue

2005-12-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

After several attempts I finally deleted my profile on that site.......I am sitting here asking myself why? and what will the positive results of that action be. Well, nothing except that I will not waste any more time chit chatting with strangers who really don't give a dam, except perhaps Jeorgio (I have gotten to know him outside of the site) and that is a whole other story.

The mood I am in today is one of aggression, which is unresolved energy best put into producing, creating something constructive not destructive. Sleep deprivation is a cause, emotional drainage from this environment is a cause. I'm looking out the window and viewing the heavy snowfall...it has begun...winter.

I feel like screaming and I don't know why....edgy or what.

Is it my fault?

2005-12-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

I set the alarm early to go and get the oil change which I made the appointment yesterday. I woke up and there was a blizzard going on. I called the garage to cancel as this garage is on the outskirts of the city. I am not comfortable driving the truck in that much snow. I left a message to call me back to reschedule for tomorrow, so far no call.

I posted a picture of my daughter's cat on this dating profile I am on, and they deleted it. I openly challenged their action on my profile. Other profiles have pics of animals. I always felt that the contents of my profile were being monitored since the crystal ball incident. You could tell by the way I wrote it I was fuming mad. I went ahead to delete my profile, and my action was not allowed, which p***ed me off even more, so I hid the profile. I have made contact with some people which was ok. The time and effort writing back and forth....doesn't seem to produce any results. I did meet a few, I am just not interested anymore. I am enraged to today. It is important that I tame the beast that is a brewing within me- I know myself and when I get like that I start impulsive decision making. Either long overdue, or not thought out at all.

My life has been on line for the most part........this is not enough for me!

It is one of those days, when I am not in synch.

My dream came true...

2005-12-01T00:54:00.000-05:00

The sadness in my daughter's heart tonight because her beloved pet cat got run over and died reminds me of the dream I had a few weeks ago. The car, the branch, the death, the upset.

Back to Room 506 at St.Joe's.

2005-11-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

I was up at the hospital today, waiting for the surgery to be completed and I had the urge to wander up to the 5th floor.
As I approached the left turn right before where the social worker's office was (that I saw regularly years back), the uneasiness came to me. I walked slowly down the corridor and got to the door and saw 506. I stood there bracing myself for the flood of memories which definitely came. I re-lived seeing him alive and in pain holding on to the last 40 hours of his life. I felt nauseous.

I didn't have to do this, but it was some sort of closure. The social worker's area was moved to another hospital. The girl in his office never heard of him. He was with the hospital at least 5 years that I knew of. I thought this to be odd, how everything changed and no one knew of anyone. Time and change. People forget.

Communication

2005-11-29T20:09:00.000-05:00

I made a comment on one of the sites that I frequent often and received a battery of opposition to this comment. Funny, I never even intended it the way that this one person took it. Yes, it is their perception and interpretation of the English language but it was not what I meant. My one sentence was dissected and challenged and judged. Good grief, it was only my opinion which I have a right to. People don't have to agree or disagree, why not just accept it and consider where it is coming from.

I wish I had some gum.

2005-11-25T19:49:00.000-05:00

And so I surfed some more this evening. I happened to get on some site and all of a sudden my virus program told me I had a "trojan" virus and to immediately scan. This alarmed me, as I had not seen this before in this way. Then I noticed the icon wasn't exactly the same, it was blurry -so I figured it was a trick to open the message and do the scan and surely I would have been totally infected. I shut down the computer, restarted it and did my own scan with my own program. Nothing peculiar, expect 16 critical files from spyware which I deleted.

Ah, I chose not to go out tonight, which I would have being it is Friday night. A reflective night, listening to the radio with no real motivation to party or not party. I keep checking my Emails and nothing significant. I did get 2 messages from men I met earlier this year-touching base or basically reminding me of why I do not want to go out with them. LOL

No brainstorming yet. Enjoying the sites with warped humor about the Esoteric sciences, funny or what. I had to laugh, it was comical.

More later, maybe. I wish I had some gum!!

Just me

2005-11-24T23:05:00.000-05:00

I was all psyched up today to do the dirty and expose my plans to go off exploring new adventures. When I looked at my schedule- I got exactly what I wanted. DAM. This made it nearly impossible to do this face to face.
I had a hell ride to work, sitting behind the wheel of a large truck shaking in my booties. It was slippery and I had no idea I was driving with a nearly flat tire. When I landed in the Mall parking lot I glanced back at the truck as I always do and saw it. A bitter gust of wind blew in my face as I tried to make my way to the store.
The store was busy but not as busy as they hoped due to the weather. HA HA, not laughing at that but laughing at the fact that I was completing myself through the whole shift. I did not care, I did what I get paid for, and never gave it a second thought.
I went out at supper time and tried to use my mickey mouse air compressor on the tire and couldn't get it to work -my fingers were frozen.
At about 15 minutes before my shift was over I mention it to the retired good looking man who is a part time delivery boy for something to do in in spare time and who is an EX homicide cop-about my tire. He went and filled it for me cause he had an air compressor in his truck. I wanted to repay him somehow but didn't know how. I really appreciated it.
I did call home to see if my dad would come out but no one was home -21/23 days HAHAHA.

P.S.

2005-11-23T21:40:00.000-05:00

My last entry is a sign of old age, I am not future minded right now, ha ha.

I guess the simplicity of youth, the courage to try new things and just basically the drive and energy to do it- is and will always belong to those years in the late teens/and 20's.

Something is desperately wrong with my generation???!!!

Something reminded me of high school.

2005-11-23T21:26:00.000-05:00

I was reading the local paper on line, and for some morbid reason checked the obituaries. I noticed a name familiar to me, I read on and the flood of memories came rushing in from my school band. I played the clarinet-besides it was an easy 2 credits. Mr. Brisbin my band leader was awesome, I did connect with him about 5 years ago through one of the "find your classmates sites", but since lost his Email. He remembered me real well. No wonder, when we had a exchange of bands-we went to Montreal and I ended up at some wild party and got hammered. He was going to kick me out of the band, but the members boycotted band practice. HA HA HA ....so much for my start in life-

The name I saw belonged to a guy that played the trumpet in the band, his wife passed away at the age of 51. I got to wondering whatever happened to all the kids I went to school with during such societal unrest with the hippy movement full steam ahead with me smack dab in it. Not only that, it was the invention of the birth control pill, and women's rights etc.
It feels like yesterday, that I walked from high school, downtown -the streets filled with long haired people, showing the peace sign with their fingers. What a time that was, can you image how hysterical my parents were (old, stoic, European standards). Ya, that was me, long long hair, painted flowers on my face, bell bottoms etc. Well it at least I had tucked the go-go boots away and that God forsaken white lipstick. lol.
WOW- that's all I can say.

What? Me? Crazy? nah

2005-11-19T23:08:00.000-05:00

well guess what? I can't copy my own story I just wrote and paste it here.
And I am not freaking re-writting it either.

Synchroncities or coincidences?

2005-11-19T20:58:00.000-05:00

After I came out of my reflection mood of writing, thinking and doing. I suddenly had the urge to go to the store where I work. This is so unlike me.
I struck up a conversation with the co-worker that is leaving tomorrow and found out that I knew her in Mt.Brydges. She attended one of my meditation groups. I always had the feeling I knew her somehow and felt familiar to her. I thought it was just the fact that she had the same hair cut as Audrey. We talked for a long time and she wanted to get a reading done. Time and place to be determined.
A little while after that Sandy a cashier I worked with 10 years ago when the store was at the other end of the mall came in. We touched base and started to laugh about things from way back then. She remembered I had done her Astrology chart, all handwritten as I did not have a computer or printer then. She wanted to color her hair and asked me for advice even though I was standing there in my coat. I remembered the color she used before and she bought 2 pkg. and left.

I thought these 2 occurrences were quite odd, coincidence maybe or was it that I was suppose to be in the store at exactly that time. The co-worker that is leaving tomorrow gave me a phone number with a lady that is doing a workshop in something that interests me. We shared stories of death, the unknown and the fact that she said to me before I left that she believed in another dimension, confirmed that the title of my blog is perfect. She is interested in developing her spiritual/psychic abilities - I am interested in teaching that. A room has become available possibly for $350 inclusive in a 2 floor house downtown- I have spoken to the owner of the spa already. The owner of the spa is someone I did a reading for 15 years ago and just happened to meet up earlier this spring. Synchronicity or coincidence.

Words of wisdom do not speak to ears that cannot hear.

2005-11-19T12:29:00.000-05:00

I stayed up late last night after putting in an outrageous shift at work.
I began to read my notes on Hermetic Sciences. I re-read the introductory and completed chapter 1, and I dozed off. There was much history written about Egypt, ancient Greece and Rome. You can brainwash yourself into anything-but you must believe and feel it with your heart to ever succeed in getting what you really, really want. The question of "what do you really want"- is a profound question. How many of us can answer that with passion??

I had the feeling they knew much more than we do now, even though Quantum psychics has been written about in the decade or two. I am starting to believe that the large % of our brain that we do not use, stores all the memories of generations past. When modern inventors create they access that part of the brain of generations past, they re-discover what was already invented. Ah, then you say that they had no computers. Perhaps this is true, in the actual tangible world, but they did know how to build the pyramids -thus knew the law of psychics.

Many years ago, I went to a psychic medium and had a past life regression done. She told me that I used to live in Lorimer, which I believe was a community in Atlantis. She told me that I was a warrior, a fighter of Truth, defender of injustice. She told me that I used to work with crystals in my spare time -as in crystal gems and used light to energize them and had access to knowledge about light. I think she was talking about the electro-magnetic field that is around everything. The energy force -the unseen force, but the felt force.

We all have had experiences with this energy force, I often comment on energy stealers or as I like to call them energy vampires. When you have billions of people on this planet with electro-magnetic fields, it is no wonder that there is a non-balancing in certain areas of the worlds. What I mean by this is, when the "greed grabbers & energy stealers" succeed -the opposite happens to another group, this is The Law of Cause and Effect. The other group somewhere in the world or even in the same city, will live in "lack of & submissive" mind frames.

We all have a life force -it is that thing that wakes us up - it is Life. If we use that force to obtain things outside of ourselves that we need to exert extra energy into.....then we pull it away from someone else. If that exact same thing comes to us....easily with little strenuous effort, then we take ownership of it. It was to be ours anyways because we have a template of our soul's journey. And that is a whole other blog topic.

Wasted personal energy comes from, putting too much emotional and physical energy into just holding onto our personal boundary of the electro-magnetic field. Once we realize that we are who we are, and have what we have-all that remains is what is mapped for us anyways.

When we gain further knowledge of the Hermetic Sciences and Ancient Occult principles and how they work, we go with the flow of these Laws and can become masters of our own private empire. Life is "living". The meaning of life and the grand Universe has been observed and studied for eons.

Why is it that we give our power to something outside of ourselves. We are the power, and the animal kingdom should remind us of how we once were. The raw energy of an animal's instinctual drive is our life force that is cultivated with our brain potential (hopefully). When that "beast" within us is not cultivated then we experience rage, hatred, violence etc. True mastery is befriending the "beast" within us - and true power is recognizing the "beast" within others, and remaining strong in silence.

THE POODLE. LMAO

2005-11-17T22:13:00.000-05:00

Lucky me, the surge came over me to clear up some of the clutter. This is a good sign, it means it is time not just because I made the decision to do it, but because I wanted to do it for all the right reasons. It wasn't anger that propelled me this time, it was strangely enough some compassion and the fact no one was around to distract me.

My father came home with a poodle. I was surprised. lololol. I couldn't make out if it was a French poodle or Slovenian. The familiar knock was on my door and the voice said "perm for sale". I came out of my momentum of organizing and watched as the door opened, and a poodle head peeped through. I didn't howl with laughter, I didn't get enraged from being disturbed, I just looked and said "it's about time". DAM it was soooooooooo curly. Gone was this woman that used to live here, the new "her" is here now. She appears to be really harmless now. LMAO.

I could have made a rude remark but I didn't as she was doing mind benders with herself-she does not like it at all. For her this a treat to get a perm. She doesn't spend money on herself personally that way. FINALLY there is no resemblance hahahahahaha. I feel separate.

I had a contentment in my heart today. I thought about the resignation letter or if I should do it in person. I am not getting anywhere with that company..I am stagnating. The fact that I quite happily started to sort, separate and package things in this room-which is the room I live in and spend too many hours in, was promising. My prayers were answered. I don't even care if she takes my things I have set aside for the Goodwill-

Don't sweat the small stuff.

2005-11-17T00:18:00.000-05:00

I wonder why I have been so blessed to have a son and daughter that are truly a gift to me in my lifetime.
If I have achieved anything significant in my life -it was to be the vessel of delivery for my son and daughter.
My joys come through my children.
I am very fortunate to have the relationship that I have with them.
When I was pregnant with my son, I spoke to his soul that was not yet born. I know he heard me.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was a scared teenager and I know she felt it.

I did not have a coach through my pregnancies, I was ill at the later term with both of them. Not to mention that I was in the hospital for 6 long, long weeks with both of them. My doctor advised not to have any more children because my blood pressure was too low. The doctors told me my daughter would have to be a C-section, and rushed me to the operating room, prepped me to surgery to cut my belly because she would not come...at the last minute she decided to come into the world in her own way, on her own terms.

With both my children I felt the pain and it was unlike any other pain I felt as they both entered the world at different stages of my life. I know what it is like to have natural childbirth.
Can you believe it -I did not even know how my daughter would be born, I was uninformed as to the process of childbirth. If my daughter ever had a baby, I'll be beside her holding her hand telling her jokes.

If I were to do it all over again. I WOULD IN A MINUTE. Thanks kids.

The poppy seed cake

2005-11-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

A poppy seed cake was brought home from the grocery store with cheese, some cereal and something else. The bill was left on the table for me to pay, around $10.00. I paid with no comments.
Later that night, before my food poisoning incident of heaving my guts out til I almost passed out, I had one piece of the poppy seed cake and noticed it was mostly bread. Very little poppy seed at all, I was actually disappointed at the lack because always in all the years I've had it, it was loaded.

Well, someone decided that the poppy seed cake was not up to standard. Packaged it up with the one slice missing and took it back to the grocery store, came home and set $4.00 on the table with no explanation.

I pondered on this decisive action for a few minutes. I was told she was not paying for a poppy seed cake that lacked poppy seed, if she wanted bread she would have bought bread. This would truly make a good show on Seinfeld.

Um, I didn't ask for the poppy seed cake, I paid for it, I became my property. The poppy seed cake was taken back to the store without consulting me, I got the money back and had no poppy seed cake. I was in the same situation prior to actually getting a poppy seed cake I never asked for.

My statement is "what was the point of all that". I had no say in any of it and yet found myself right smack in the middle of the scene. Yes, later that night I vomited violently, I blame the day old dish, or perhaps the moldy cheese coupled with restrained anger and presto -vomit.

For my son

2005-11-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

I miss you but you do not know that of me,
The constant reminder in a heart that bleeds.
How can I touch you when you are far away,
And embrace the depth of your innermost needs.

I do not see you everyday as I wish I could,
But my thoughts are directly linked to you.
I cannot force the sunshine in your sky,
When the clouds of memories block it too.

Your many choices on your journey to the future,
Will keep me at a distance but close in my heart.
I believe in you and am the cheering fan you hear,
The fan that was always there right from the start.

I may have let you go at much too young an age,
The love for your father was a greater force than me.
The predetermination of the soul cannot be halted.
Only a father can teach a boy to be a man, you see.

As you take the giant leap into the shoes of manhood,
Use the "tools" that you packed last fall in your suitcase.
Remember even though some people cannot express
The pride they feel but you do hold a very special place.

Deaf ears cannot hear...

2005-11-15T00:51:00.000-05:00

In the early afternoon today, I found myself asking God to forgive me for being so enraged. The provocation was not uncommon but today it was different. It was serious. And it was a confrontation that ended up in a volcanic eruption.
I was pushed to my limit, and I came back fighting with all my verbal might. I am troubled by this circumstance because I saw an anger that just doesn't seem to want to go away.
I speak to deaf ears-they are deadened to me, my feelings, and basically to my soul. My lesson in all this is to transcend and move beyond this idiotic drama. Sometimes it feels like hell, if there is one. I read once that in hell you never come to completion, you just keep doing the same thing over and over and over-it never ends.
If this is some kind of karma from a past life, I wouldn't rule that possibly out. Many generations are somewhere in my d.n.a., generations of war, violence, hatred, and fear. I have memories of these times and I have memories of a lifetime of being a warrior.
I also know that the path towards spiritual enlightenment will not come easy, the test are many and only the strongest pass the tests.

The soul of Jozefa is born into this world. page1

2005-11-14T16:18:00.000-05:00

Jozefa came into this world without the luxury of a hospital birth. She was delivered by a midwife (common in those times). She did not meet her father until she was nearly 2 years old. There is a photograph of her attending her parents wedding. Through her actually memory she could see herself standing in front of a straw like house, with earthen floor. This was the home where her father was born. She can't recall much of this time, but was told that she lived with her grandmother on her dad's side for at least 6 months. Her earliest recollection of herself as a little girl would have been when she was probably 4 1/2 -5 years old. She remembers being in barracks of some sort. There were a lot of soldiers around. One particular event that stands out involves a hoola hoop. She remembers doing the hoola hoop dance as the soldiers looked on with amusement. She was a beautiful child with an angelic face of innocence.
In the next scene of her memory, she witnessed a fire in the same barracks. Later in years she was told these barracks were for refugees that escaped certain Communist countries, in an effort to go to other places where there would be freedom. The tickets were bought to travel to Australia, a remote continent at a distance which contained mostly peoples of a variety of cultural backgrounds to be common place workers.
She has scant memories of standing at a railway station crying, not wanting to be sent away. Her fears of abandonment chiseled into her heart. But another child her own age was there, a boy whose mother road a motorcycle as a means of transportation. The tears rolled down her face as she was sent away. Later to find out that it was to Kindergarten in Switzerland. At that time she spoke 2 fluent languages.
Another scene comes to mind as she oversaw her parents doing a gigantic jigsaw puzzle of a matador and a bull. Her environment was of fear.
As she was walking around, nauseous from the waves of the great ship crossing the Atlantic Ocean she carried a box to vomit in. There were people packed as sardines on this trip.

The book

2005-11-13T18:06:00.000-05:00

Even though at first I was in partial disagreement with some of the content of the book The Road Less traveled, I have continued to read it. Skipping through some chapters I thought insignificant. I have discovered that what the author is saying makes a lot of sense. I doubted the fact that it could possibly have some spiritual content but as I read more into the book that is exactly what it is. He had merged the psychological analysis with spiritual evolution. The saying never judge a book by its cover is true in this case.
As I type I am reminded of my typing classes in high school -my hands always on home row, I can now keyboard(type) at quite a speed zooming through my thought process with my hand in equal speed. I did notice one thing though. Sometimes I typed a sentence that I thought I thought but I didn't, somehow my hands were directed by my subconscious mind. I guess these days it would be labeled automatic writing. In psychiatric terms, it would be considered a Freudian slip of the fingers. lol.
When I came home I reminisced my day at work, how fast it went, how hard I work to sell and to at least meet the quota set out by my manager. I know for sure I pulled in $1600 sales, it was extremely busy. People were spending $50 just to get 10,000 points. I thought about how much my take home pay would be....and I asked myself "why is my self esteem so low to be rented out at such a low pay". I realized that I have above average sales skills-people just like my style. Today I didn't give a dam and that is exactly why they bought. If I gave a dam, and pushed the sales , I would have gotten rebuttal replies like "just looking", etc.
I have an opportunity to work in a salon, rent out a small room and do my own thing. This opportunity was presented in a different way earlier this year. I wasn't ready. The price for the room is feasible for what I think I want to do but what I feel I want to do is two different things. My passion has always lay in running a business of my own in what I know and specialize in. I know deep down in my heart, I feel I would succeed. Feeling is passion. Thinking is not feeling. You can think what you want but if your heart (feeling) is not in it you will not be successful.
Back to the book, I learned a few things about myself while reading this book even though it was written in 1978, at a time when I started to explore living outside the "box" and that is I am just fine, in fact I am doing exactly what I should be doing "walking my own walk, talking my own talk, dreaming my own dreams".

What ? Certified tarot masters, HOGWASH!

2005-11-11T20:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I ventured off into my bedroom at a rather early hour. Unusual for me, as I am staring at this computer monitor until at least 2 a.m. on most evenings. I found a book while rummaging through these boxes that I am attempting to organize and re-pack. It was called The Road Less traveled, written in 1978 by a psychiatrist. I don't recall reading it. I have a large selection of books written by the spiritual pioneers. I stated to read it and understood everything that he was stating, however I did not particularly agree with him. The theme of the book was that it was normal to suffer in life, based on the teachings of Buddha. I think the author could have chosen a different word, the word suffer would indicate pain. He kept stressing the fact that life was difficult. Well, yes it can be. His point was that if you have ownership of your own life, you suffer. After a few minutes of thinking about what he was saying, I lay the book on the stand beside my bed, looked at the clock saying 1:30 a.m. and decided to go to sleep.

I set the alarm early and I did wake up. I lay there wondering why I was psycho-analyzing the meaning of life. For God's sakes, why couldn't I just wake up and think about getting dressed, making my bed and meandering downstairs to the kitchen in the hopes that I would not be greeted by some caustic remark. All day I have been surfing the net, reading other people websites, their opinions life. I stumbled on one site that talked about the Tarot and Kabbalah. It piqued my interest of course because I have been studying Kabbalah for nearly 10 years off and on but quite intensely the last year. I made a comment on this person's site about what I thought about his one article and how I agreed with the point he was trying to make. Something about the "old school" of thought and the "modern school" of thought and how each should understand each other. In order to be a master of anything, one has to understand what the roots are.

This is a good sequoia to my next comments. How can these people call themselves certified tarot master, HOGWASH!!! I am a certified Occultist and Tarot Practitioner, and I didn't just draw a certificate on paint either, LOL. I went through extensive training through a Mystical School and graded at each level. My knowledge of the Tarot and my experience was 20 years at that point before I entered into these studies. I was a modern Tarot reader and now understand the "old school of Kabbalah" and how it applies to daily living. This is a challenge.

Back in the mid 1980's I had a vision that I shared with a friend who bought me my first computer to use in DOS> We had many conversations about this vision. I met up with this man when I visited B.C. earlier this year and talked about this vision and how I did not act on it. My point now was I have the whole world of the internet competing, doing the "vision" and making money at it too. I have to ask myself, was I saved for doing something on a much grander scale-perhaps the "vision" I had tonight. What I am thinking right now can go in writing.

I think that social consciousness is changing and I think that it wouldn't take much to start another epidemic in a spiritual sense. It appears that there is growth and everything is changing. It all started with people like me, with a vision + Bill Gates for providing the means to the venue (IBM). Well listen up people. Everyone is a third generation psychic, everyone has been reading cards or doing charts for 30 years. That is bullshit, because if you were why didn't you advertise in your local papers like I did. I remember the Pennysaver had to make a special category when I called them and told them I want to put an ad in. I pioneered that.

But enough about wanting gratification because it won't be forthcoming. I often thought it was too late to do my website, and maybe so. How can I set myself apart, the only way I can do that is by posting predictions and dating them. But there is a problem to that , called copy and paste LOLOL and sure enough it'll end up on someone else's site. But if I think like that I am self-sabotaging. This bring me to the answering machine tapes I talked about in the last post. Something happened to me when I heard those. It told me it was nearly 15 years ago, and it sickened me to think that I had become such a scaredy-cat. MEEEOOOOWWWW.

That's it for now...um...a public diary of my thoughts...um...perhaps material for book. A book called The Road Already traveled.

AMAZING, worth a million+ bucks

2005-11-10T18:31:00.000-05:00

Yes I did proceed to organize the boxes and found a boxes of cassettes YES, cassettes.
I found a 90 minute cassette of recorded telephone messages from about 1990 -1994. I listened to my son's youthful voice lengthy conversations , my daughters voice and lengthy conversations. My daughter telling me she has 25 cents in her account asking me for money in a poem "roses are red, violets are blue, did you forget my rent is due".
My son calling my answering machine "a nifty machine" hahaha.

People that were in my life at that time. Some voices I can't remember-
I stopped in time for 90 minutes and reflected. I remembered who I was. This experience is exactly what I needed.
I was SOOOOO in control, my voice was firm, I laughed and told people exactly what I thought. I had many, many people in my life.
I am making a back up cassette because I don't know how to burn it on a CD. I'd like to extract all of my son's messages and talks with me and talks with his dad (especially 'bout the birthday present in 1991) and do the same for my daughter. It is a treasure to hear oneself 11 years ago.

I was very daring. I even have Diane my current boss on there from 1994 asking me to fill in cause someone called in sick HAHAHAHa. There is so much, so much.
This exactly what I needed to hear! As I float through memory lane I am reminded of how goal oriented I was, and how I did not allow any outside influences to sway me from my objectives.

What happened?

Inner house cleaning

2005-11-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

I set a goal for myself today. I must laugh...I did organize and clean this room figuratively. I actually cleaned the desk around the computer. I found myself reading other people's blog that were on the same wave length that I am on. A wave length by no means straight.

I did some internal house cleaning which has been a focus for about a year through another venue of study. My question lies in that if our immediate environment reflects our inner environment which comes first -cleaning the inner or cleaning the outer. I feel that when my inner house is in order, the outer will mirror that organization. I am not so sure that I believe that this unorganization in this room means that I am intellectually disorganized.

Quantum physics has proven that there exists a third dimension, possibly fourth. Could it not be that I can see all these dimensions that I live in at all times. Borderline insanity LOLOL sure sounds like it. This is nothing new for me, I was like this for as long as I can remember, but noticed it particularly in my early teens.

Off track for a minute. Today I found myself thinking about my 2 grandfathers, how I never ever met them, denied their physical connection. However, the DNA would have been passed on through my parents and into me. I don't know why I was thinking of that --maybe just maybe I made contact with them on some level -I almost felt protected in a peculiar way.

I do know I live outside the box a lot, look back in and get annoyed on a regular basis. Things make more sense outside the box. Did I hear someone say remote viewing ?

...goal for today.....

2005-11-10T01:02:00.000-05:00

ORGANIZE
AND
CLEAN
THIS
ROOM!

Question???

2005-11-09T19:11:00.000-05:00

Why is there a "links to this post" option all of a sudden on my last few entries

P.S.

2005-11-09T19:07:00.000-05:00

ok I figured it out, my blog time and computer time is exact. The reason it is different after I finish my blogging is because that is how long it takes me to type the content of the blog.
However, my watch and clock are still out of sequence as is every other freaking clock in this house.

A day of preoccupation not much production

2005-11-09T18:56:00.000-05:00

Today was a day pretty much like most days. I slept in because I was up late. I was preoccupied with some issues which eat away at me often. I went to a second hand store and spent hours in it looking around, trying things on...wondering who donated the clothes, etc.

I now know that I have a cheyenne1500 chevrolet truck, just noticed that today when I was looking at the truck. I also saw an older truck in the mall parking lot with some rubber around the fenders where it started to rust like mine is. Good idea. Still haven't gotten the tires, still haven't gotten the drivers door fixed, still go in at the passengers side and climb over to where the steering wheel is.

I am looking at the blog time and the computer time and there is a 6 minute difference, my watch is out by 2 minutes, the clock is out 1 minute from my watch and 3 minutes from the computer and 10 minutes from the blog. Hmmm the blog time isn't moving. Daaahhhh. Am I bored right now. You could say that. Well, at least 1 load of wash is done, dried and sitting on top of last weeks pile on top of the boxes.

One year ago...

2005-11-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

If I didn't delete my blog entries last fall I could have read all about the experience when my son moved to B.C. I wish I didn't remove those gut wrenching emotional entries and the poems.

Well it is one year today that I saw my son off to the airport for his trip-I still remember the look in his eyes. Hey, I knew deep in my heart it wasn't a short term thing, and hey I kept it together right up until he set foot in the airport(ask my daughter)...and then the gush of emotions hit me and I balled all the way back into the Canadian borders.

I can only imagine what he was feeling or thinking - he never did blog about that.

I am in the exact same spot, with a larger monitor to stare at, a new keyboard because I spilt coffee over the old one, a new hard drive cause the other one crashed. I work in the same place with the same part time shifts. I drive the same truck but it has a new rad. My clothes and stuff are still in boxes, actually this room looks like a big pig sty....Shame on me!!So I ask you---who is the dumb ass now?

Dam I missed the time by 1 minute, it is already the first day into year 2, lololol.

The call at midnight.

2005-11-07T00:40:00.000-05:00

I just finished talking to J= (a touching base conversation, a lot of talk about nothing)when my cell battery started to beep. I concluded the call started to charge my cell and prepared for bed. The cell rang, and for some reason I picked it up even though it was caller unknown(I thought it was my daughter from someone's house). It was a woman on the other end, I did not know who it was, she identified herself as J='s girlfriend. She told me she has known about me for a long time, forwarded information that only he would know-about messages on his land phone and Emails. I was shocked. She said I had a right to know about her-as she was J='s girlfriend etc. To make a long story short (because I will go into profound detail about this conversation the next time, I am exhausted right now-my daughter and I went house shopping all afternoon).....I must say I am proud of the calm way I handled it, even though I wanted to vomit. I felt betrayed and deceived by J=. I went to bed and started to put all the pieces together -he lead me on.

Knock, knock.

2005-11-05T16:59:00.000-05:00

Where has the day gone? I had brunch with my E- friend from up North. He was in town for the weekend. I had the opportunity to see his portfolio of photography. I was impressed by several pictures and his ability to capture the raw essence of some nature scenes.
Everything around here seem abnormally normal, LOL.
I, however am nursing a spaced out feeling.
"knock, knock - who's there" UM, DAH, let me quess. The wicked witch of the North.
So much for the spaced feeling, as I land with a bang to reality. "knock knock -who's there" UM, DAH...........shut the freaking door!!!!

All seems well this morning

2005-11-05T10:41:00.000-05:00

I must have been out like a light (whatever that expression means) after chatting til after 1:30 AM.

I woke up this morning and didn't hear anyone up, no doubt I became alarmed. I went and made a coffee, with blood shot eyes and throbbing pain shooting up and down my legs (from squatting on my job for almost an hour putting up sale tickets). Then everyone began stirring in this household. I relieved, annoyed and emotionally whipped from the previous night.

For me I found that it is never smooth sailing, with a delicate balance-it is always one drama after another. I guess that is why I am so well equipped to handle emergencies.

My father hit his head twice last night-he is up and polishing the house like his normal routine every Saturday-this is a great sign. My mother is trying to stir things up by repeating last night with her normal re-hashing. I just walked out of the room.....in silence.

The scene was not pretty

2005-11-05T01:31:00.000-05:00

Getting right to the point. I went into the garage for a smoke, thinking nothing of the huge thump I heard. My mother was screaming in the kitchen and I rushed to see what was wrong, she was hysterical. I raced to the family room and my father lay on the carpet, as I got close to him he was still, I thought he was dead.. He hit the side of his head, he must have fainted or blacked out as he tried to get off his chair.
Not only did I have to calm her down, but I needed to find a pulse, he was out cold. I shook him and told her to get a cold cloth to put on his head. I have no formal training in what to do, but I did what I thought was right. He came to, tears seeping from his eyes, I made him get up-although he wanted no assistant I sat behind him ready to catch him if he fell. He is a large man but I knew I could find the strength.
I saw to it that he went to bed, wondering if I should wake him up. He insisted no.
I don't know what will happen throughout the night. I pray to God all will be well in the morning. I am so tired right now-the trauma , the drama, the reality of what if.

The grocery list.

2005-11-03T18:08:00.000-05:00

My mother asked me if I needed anything as they were going to Food Basics grocery store anyways. I thought for a moment, and wrote out a list and explained the list verbally specifying in detail each product. I calculated in my head an approximate cost and gave her $20.00, knowing quite well it would be around $15.00.
1 large loaf of German rye bread
1 poppy seed coffee cake
3-4 cans of mandarin oranges
2 large containers of yoghurt, blueberry and raspberries or 2 of each
1 container of pure orange juice, not bitter (tangy)

When they arrived home all the stuff on the list was spread out on the kitchen table, as is always the case when the groceries are bought-somehow they are on display for an hour LOL. She informed me I owed her $2.50 more than once. I for the life of me couldn't figure out why ?

I looked at the items on the table and this is what I saw.
1/2 loaf of light rye
1 poppy seed coffee cake
4 cans of mandarin oranges
2 large containers of blueberry yoghurt
1 container of tangy orange flavored drink
1 large block of mozarella cheese

No doubt, knowing my personality I became confrontational about the orange flavored drink, the large block of mozarella cheese and the $2.50 owing to my father(which she mentioned 1/2 dozen times with him sitting there). He did not say a word, but I could see that he was annoyed at me for being confrontational with her, same ol' story. My point was I did not put the cheese on the list, and that I shouldn't have to pay for it. I told her she should pay him the $2.50 but what I was really thinking LOL and laughing inside to myself was to cut a piece of cheese off and pay with that-but I didn't dare LOL. I asked why this woman would have bought me of all things something she so adamantly is against-flavored drinks loaded with sugar. She is forever promoting vitamins and nutritional foodstuff. Her explanation was that they didn't have any pure orange juice that she could see. I said, "in the whole freaking store".

I could feel the tension building inside of me not only because of what was going down...but her cocky attitude of "she did no wrong and she is always right".
I went outside for a cigarette and sat in the lawn chair trying to slow down the beating of my heart. It is a beautiful day and I noticed the flowers blooming on the side of the house, they are purple with gold centers. They were lovely.
I went back in and she was still talking about the cheese. I explained to her that what she did was make a decision with my money to buy me what she wanted for me. I, of course called her a control freak to which she began a song and dance of me taking the items back and that her eyesight was bad and that it was no big deal. I said it was a big deal because, it put the responsibility on me-her lack of attentiveness and outright decision making and let's not forget the $2.50. Two dollars and fifty cents, I am repeating that because I am more than generous in buying things in this household that we all use, like paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent etc.
I am blogging about this because I need to get these feelings out, and refuse to let this incident ruin the rest of my day. Is it because I am a control freak too, that I am responding this way????

The cat

2005-11-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

As I stared out the kitchen window, I noticed a cat on the sideyard fence. It wasn't the fact that it was a cat, but I was completely immersed in what this creature was doing.

I watched the feline walk the top of the fence and it didn't seem to have a care in the world. It didn't look down at it paws to see where it was walking, it just knew. How did it know? Do cats have sensors in their paws? I was surprised at myself because I never knew that or for that matter never stopped just to look at something as common as a cat.

When it reached the end of the fence, it took one glance downwards, slid partially down the side of the fence and the whole time looking straight ahead.

I stood there and the first thing coming to my mind was, "it just knew, it somehow trusted and followed it's own instincts". The cat didn't ask anyone's permission to be on the fence, it was not afraid of walking the tightrope narrow fence and it certainly didn't care that I was watching it.

New Moon today

2005-11-02T14:22:00.000-05:00

It is written that when there is a New Moon, one should set a few goals, or at least make a decision pertaining to a relevant issue.

My goal is to weed out things, situations and people that are stunting my growth in my garden of life.

My focus will be to laugh out loud. My laughter is within. I might add some things later on today.

I will be getting ready to spend a few hours with my daughter because she will be gracing me with her presence.

Feeling disconnected

2005-11-02T04:00:00.000-05:00

I don't know where my mind was most of the day. I felt somehow separated from myself. I struggled with my inability to reach out of head to the outer world I live in. I just didn't care. I was in a void mood, all too familiar and comfortable.

As I was driving, I knew I wasn't paying attention to everything else around me. My son's voice came back to haunt me. I slowly snapped out of it and forced myself to notice the traffic.

I practiced a fake laugh the whole time I drove, I sounded like a deranged idiot but I thought it would help this void mood I was nursing. I did actually laugh for real and out loud for a second or two.

I think my disconnection is a result of trusting someone new to the point of sharing my innermost feelings and experiencing a verbal assassination by the same person. I have not even met this person yet, nor do I have any desire to at this point in time.

A poem..........Boundaries

2005-11-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

Boundaries -written for Michael

He came into my life but a short time ago,

Knocking on the door leading to my heart.

I hesitated at first but felt a certain safety,

As I found myself opening it wide apart.

His voice was very strong in a comforting way,

During our many conversations over the weeks.

I began to feel hope that we will meet some day,

And that he of all men was the one for keeps.

As I sit here looking at the dust floating before my eyes,

From the recent storm of random emotional outbursts.

I pulled back the door to my heart and slammed it shut,

Because it became much too familiar of previous hurts.

I am closed off now and not connected to my own heart,

In lieu of his confrontational attitude about my actions.

Actions triggered by other events going on in my life,

He became a part of my world and had over-reactions.

I am asking myself what it is that I am in need of,

The stillness of my heart speaks in a peaceful way.

I know no matter what happens between me and him,

He and I will not and must not unto ourselves betray.

So you see this particular journey was of great importance,

To demonstrate to both of us our own personal boundary.

It is not a fault that has to belong to anyone in great depth,

Entry beyond this point can't be conditional-it must be free.

Free in the sense that accountability should be banished,

We do not see the totality of our physical gift of this life.

The Universal greatness has shown a valuable lesson,

Each spiritual step taken comes with some sort of strife.

The spiritual journey continues in the field with boundaries,

Random fears come by giving a painful slap right in the face.

The sting will subside enabling the horizons to become visible,

Hopefully the door to my precious heart opens in the same place.

This poem was emailed to Michael's website at the time of this post.

Introduction to Fire Fish November 1, 2005

2005-11-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Fluid Dimensions, my spiritual journey blog that will contain a myriad of topics depicted through poetry, creative writing & blunt opinions straight from my mind, heart and soul.