Music to heal my heart.

After initially having the usually venom directed at me, I went and sat in the garage (which seems to be the only place I am with myself) and breathed deeply (the frozen air, haha) and refused to allow the energy to go in the direction that was waiting for it. If you understand what I just said, congratulations! you are getting to know me.

Music was my savior all day, I got lost in that dimension not only listening to the melody, and words but was thinking about how in synch the musicians were when they performed the songs. Some magical dimension! They tap into another level that is tranferred through their instruments, voices and songs.

The trigger today was not unlike all the other triggers, however today it seemed to have a tinge of hatred. I was in this room minding my own business, with my own thoughts, sort of balancing and meditating after having 3 days in retail serving customers from all walks of life. Some of those customers drained me by being confrontational and dam rude!

I was totally taken by surprise when I was blatantly accused of creating stress and that I was contributing to an unhappy environment. It all boils down to me making a stand and refusing to go along with the time when I wanted to eat. I feel that what was behind this was that I did not co-operate with the forward of monies that were demanded of me. I was disgusted.

I started to think about what it means to be in a festive mood and I am having difficulty mustering up any mood for that matter that is not defensive -it seems I am always in a defensive mood and a sort of fight or flight feeling. A survival mode -this is not healthy because it changes the chemistry in the body to produce toxins.

I just don't know what is wrong! I will never change it! I regret moving here and as I knew in my heart way back when-I was tricked into thinking it would be workable and at least respectful. I am a stranger here. They do not know me, or care to get to know me. All they focus on is all the things I have done wrong, all the misjudgements I made and I do not know what it is like to have a loving environment. I realize that I am partly to blame because I stopped allowing the pattern to continue.

It saddens me to think that when I was 16 1/2 and ventured off into the world, away from here that nothing changed except me. A wealth of experience behind me and I am forever grasping for one ounce of happiness by having to "fight". When I go with the flow and let things pass and don't take it in -I am challenged and blamed and the transfer of their unhappiness is projected onto me.

I had thought that when they went grocery shopping, that buying me some yoghurt which she knows I like to eat, would not have been so hard. Was it that hard to pick up the carton of yoghurt for $2.99 for me. The answer I got was "vee didn't know you vanted it". For God's sake, what happened to consideration and yet when I pick things up at the store for them-that ok, it's not a big deal, I am suppose to because we are a family. Well, sorry that is bull sh*t, why is it only one way. F**k it! I am pissed off, and I am thinking of that 16 1/2 year old today-she was right when she left.

I was shown a very nice Christmas card that would be sent to my cousin. This really bugged me for some reason, I guess because she took the time and energy to go to the store and buy it but could not pick up the yoghurt while standing in front of it. That would have meant she actually gave me some thought. Right now I feel nothing but emptiness and the emotional coldness within me will not warm up. I accept the fact that I have never, will ever be anything more than a venue for money for them.

The immense responsibilities I had as a child denied me much. On top of that in my late teens came the responsibility of being a wife and mother and full time employee, home owner all at once. Too much, way too much. Now that my children are adults and following their owns paths I am supposedly free, but no -I am straddled with the dynamics that go on here day and day out.

I am very close to packing it in, as it just leaving. I would survive-I have before. This is what is happening, the circumstances are preparing me, when it doesn't work anymore and you can't fix it-move on. I visualize doing some outrageously radical and feel absolutely no guilt thinking that.

Something has to change- I NEED A CHANGE in environment soon because if I don't I certainly will not be able to tame the beast within. Time to go, it's time to go. I did not find myself here, I lost myself even more. Some fr**king healing process this was-!!